dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
