Don't you send me to vm
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
