it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
