1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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