I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
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PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
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The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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