Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
