Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
