my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
