This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
