Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
