he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
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