nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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