Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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