Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
