My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
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