your room smells of hookers.
And success
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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