You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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