nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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