just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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