I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
