We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Randomize
