i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
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