I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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