As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
