I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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