Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
