fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
