Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Congratulations! We have a period
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
