i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Randomize
