we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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