i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
We named our party play list daddy issues
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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