I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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