My sheets look like a crime scene.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Damn victory sex feels great
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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