He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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