Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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