We're like a lot better than the average bears
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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