Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
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Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
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Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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