I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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