Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
