If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
operation have a gay friend backfired
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
