This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
