she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
