My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
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