Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I stole a fireplace last night.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
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