It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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