I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
