Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
