She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
