Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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