It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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