I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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