There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
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Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
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I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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