Who did Billy Mays play for?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
