perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
