Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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