My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
