My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
