My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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