So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
You can't just leave with hair like that
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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