Me. At least after what I've been through.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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