i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
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