I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
