Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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